Category Archives: Rib Cracker

How I Met And Killed Elizabeth…

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imagesLately I have been experiencing something called ‘A writer’s block’ (You would understand this if you write)..well it’s a slight loss of inspiration..in other words,not knowing what the heck to write..I would be working on a story and all of a sudden I have no idea what should happen next..You should see the stuffs in my draft!…So I decided to take the day off…After spending the whole day on bed (just 2hrs in the morning really though it felt like forever) I got up and prepared a yummy breakfast for myself…settled down with my favorite old time movie,and just as I was about to start eating,I heard it…a small squeak…not enough to be noticeable but enough to send me into blind rage..I just couldn’t help it..I HATE RATS!…I know most people do but me?…if I get a chance to choose between Boko Haram and Rats..I’d bomb those tiny bastards!..(err that was just a figure of speech..but you get my point anyway…so i packed up my breakfast,paused my movie,went into the kitchen to look for a cutlass..yes…you read right,a cutlass…

Ok..I should probably point out now that I haven’t always had a personal vendetta against rats…in fact I used to be indifferent to them until…

Few days ago,My aunt’s house-help left (don’t ask me why)..that meant I get to do all the house work..at least until another comes…I was not really happy with that development cos it meant I have to wake up 1hr earlier than usual to finish in time to prepare for work…But here is the thing..I hate house work!..not that am lazy..I love cooking,washing infact anything that does not involve sweeping and mopping the floors…But there was no way in hell I was gonna let my aunt do the house work…

So the following morning I woke up by 4.30am (yea that early) and stalked out…After spending the better part of  5mins glaring at the broom and mopping stick and blaming them for not at least convincing the girl to stay,I picked them up and went upstairs…I got to the sitting room and sat down (because I was still so weak) then I started thinking of how to go about the sweeping and cleaning…The house was really large and am just one person…

The feeling of something nibbling at my toe nails woke me…It took me a full 30secs to remember what I was doing in the sitting room..I had slept for 15mins..I was just about to get up from the (oh so comfortable!) couch when I felt the nibble again…I  look down slowly and saw a rat,I was about to scream but something stopped me…imagesI realized I was  staring into the innocent looking eyes of the cutest rat I have ever seen…It was so small and innocent…I don’t even think this rat has ever done something bad in his life..was probably still a virgin…now the rat we killed two days ago,that one was a whore,probably slept with her friend’s boyfriend or something,you could sense it from the way it screamed…but this one?..nahh..never even had her first kiss yet…I just couldn’t bring myself to kill it…

As a devoted fan of  ratatouille I felt I somehow owned it to him to spare the rat..(how would I explain killing his brother/cousin/son/daughter/sister/relative?),I briefly entertained the idea of grooming the rat

Ok seriously at this stage I totally wouldn’t blame you guys if you think am some kinda retard..I admit I do have some tendencies…I still think back to that morning and I totally blame it on the fact I was still half asleep…or maybe lack of protein(just kidding)…

Carefully sweeping it into the dust pan,I took it into my room (even in my sleep deprived state of mind,I would never pick up a rat,cute or not) and went back upstairs with the intention of disposing of the rat later before leaving for work..(nope I won’t kill it..you can’t make me!)…

Since I had already wasted enough time that morning I had to rush through the house work and prepared quickly for work (I hate being late) and in the process,I completely forgot about the rat (yea,just to inform you, I named her Elizabeth..don’t ask me why,I don’t even know myself,I also assumed it was female,and there was no time to ask)…

Late that same evening,I came back very tired and hungry,I went up to my room and was greeted by the sight of clothes all over the floor of my closet,I had left in a hurry in the morning so there was no time to arrange my clothes…I had to start arranging them…it wasn’t long before I noticed something was missing…I was given 20 thousand naira by my aunt the previous day when I complained about how broke I was and have not had the time to deposit it..I almost ran mad looking for the money..I knew it was somewhere around cos there was nobody to take it…

                                           ‘ What’s the difference between rats and kids??

                                                          ‘ Although both leave stuff all over the floor,

                                            at least a rat will stash it all into a neat pile

                                                       somewhere out of sight.’

I found it few minutes later,under my bed with Elizabeth still chewing on it…OMG!..The rat!..I had completely forgotten about the rat…I carefully removed the money and nearly lost consciousness (seriously I nearly did),the money,or what was left of it lay in tattered pieces…Elizabeth had not only found my money…my last money,she had rendered it completely useless…I couldn’t cry..I couldn’t even react…I slowly sat on the floor…and stared at Elizabeth…I only had one thing on my mind…MURDER…As if sensing that she was on danger,Elizabeth suddenly ran towards the door..I stood up and chased after her…with one leg of my shoe…but she was too fast…

So now you get my point when I said cutlass earlier…I was totally broke for more than a week after that and since that day each time a hear a squeak,I always grab something dangerous…I had one big mission in life…I must find Elizabeth…and kill her…

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My First Roller Coaster Ride

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My First RollerCoaster Ride

Two weeks ago was children’s day and I decided to give my little cousins a treat..

I took them to the amusement park..after watching them have some fun,they decided they wanted to ride the roller coaster…my blood immediately ran cold..(now don’t get me wrong,am really a very strong girl and love taking risks but this particular activity triggered some memories I would rather not remember)…

I watched helplessly as they are about to get strapped  in…

‘Aunty KayKay ain’t you joining us?…

That comment alone took me back to my first roller coaster ride…

My first roller coaster ride was on the 5th of April 2013..surprised?..hehehehe…the sweet,beautiful,sexy Diva Ekene (if I don’t wash myself ,who will?..lol) haven’t ridden a roller coaster before this day!..I have always wanted to ride one before..even planned it..can’t exactly recall why I did not but however when it came I was totally prepared for it..or so I thought..

My boyfriend and I have always planned on going to the amusement park together and somehow we never really got around to it..we kept on postponing it till I wanted to travel for my IT and would not be back for a long time..well that kinda woke us up..we decided to do something fun together..we decided on Oakland..I was so excited that I just couldn’t steady my heartbeat..What was it gonna be like?..I planned on being on everything there before leaving..making the best of the experience…

We got there..it was a little too crowded for my liking but that did not deter me..(today na today!..we go ride am!)…

After arguing for sometime (something that’s so common with us) about whether or not to eat first,I won,we decided to eat first…or at least I did,something I later regretted…

Anyways,after the meal,we moved into the park..he wanted to ride the cars..I wanted the roller coaster…he wanted the pirate ship..I wanted roller coaster..(haba!)..Again, I won (am the girl naa)..so we went..got the tickets..and got ready for the ride…that’s when the whole problem started…The thing is am quite scared of height (something I really should have considered earlier) and not just about that,the mere fact that we would be going through all those dangerous twists..(shudders) make me sick in the stomach..meanwhile there were some (ajebo) ladies waiting for us to go first so they would decide whether or not they could handle it (una don see role model naa..SMH)..

I sat down and was strapped in by a male attendant who kept  winking at me (yicks!)..I kept on wondering why the seats were so small..was it normal?..I looked behind and saw my partner sitting comfortably…ok I guess it was a bit normal..or maybe am so fat my seat just can’t contain me…nope..i have definitely seen fatter people…hmmm…then we started moving and I suddenly felt like the whole content of my stomach turned into soft mush..I started shaking..

‘Are you alright dear?’..the guy that strapped me in asked..

‘Thunder fire you’..I whispered…

‘Sorry didn’t get what you said’..he frowned..

‘Why wouldn’t I be?..I feel Fab!’..I replied with a big(fake) grin..(expertly pretending I did not just wish him premature death)…

Then we started moving slowly..up..up..and up…questions started running through my mind..’what have I achieved in this life?’…I haven’t even turned twenty yet!..’Is this the day I die?’..’who will miss me if I die?’..’would my mum cry?..maybe a little?…2 much?..’…will I…?’..I din’t even get the chance to finish that particular thread of thought when it zoomed off..

‘JESUS!.’..I screamed…as the world suddenly seem to be falling apart…I couldn’t stand it..I squeezed my eyes shut and bit my tongue so hard I tasted blood…it got worse..tossing and turning me so hard..I would go up,then suddenly down..then almost as if I was about to fall..(I couldn’t hold it back then even if i wanted to).. I shouted  ‘CHINEKE ME EEEEEEEE!…(If you’re Igbo,you would definitely understand)…

Jezzzz!..all my ‘tushed’ up posh ajebota character flew out the window as I started screaming on top of my voice…I swear I could even feel my blood rushing…My heart pounding so hard it wanted to fall off my chest…

‘MUMMY!’…(like she could hear me)…suddenly (before i had a chance to consider the embarrassment) the floodgates opened…I started crying..I begged God to forgive me all my sins..everything..no matter how bad..I just needed forgiveness..by then I was hysterical..I thought my world has come to an end…(imagine 2012)..

This torment lasted about 3hrs (23 seconds shaa)..just when I thought it was time for me to face my creator..it stopped..I was immediately unstrapped by someone..I didn’t even care who at that point…I went to the corner and emptied the contents of my stomach…crying all the way..and in front of all the people standing there…including those ladies,who stared at me with horrified expressions…and just when I thought it has ended,I realized I was wrong….

‘Aunty KayKay!!..’…The little (rat-like) voice brought me back to present..I suddenly realized I have been standing there like a retard while they were waiting for me to me to make a decision..

‘No honey,its your day.I will watch you’..

uh uh..there is no way am getting on that ever again!..I didn’t want a repeat performance of what happened the last time…especially not in front of my nieces who all held me in high regard..I watched them finally get strapped in by a male attendant..(who coincidentally looked like the same one that strapped me in,hmmmm,is he stalking me now?..nope..that’s just me..being paranoid)

Finally they really did have some fun..they even blew me kisses during the ride laughing all the way..(they must be witches shaa..#smh#)

Looking back..I kinda enjoyed myself that day..not minding the huge embarrassment (plus vomiting..OMG!..)…I would do it all over again..except the screaming part shaa…hehehehe

*Lots Of Love*

The Sweetest Girl Ever!

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PS…if you liked ‘my first roller coaster ride’ then you would also love my other stories!..just check them out!

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